The zodiac, demystified.
Aries - The whole world would be awestruck to know you’re wearing an Apple Vision Pro, except maybe the person you’re operating on.
Taurus - It’s not the Star Trek jumpsuits disorienting your colleagues, but that thing where you cut out the fabric to expose your hairy pits.
Gemini - You can’t get high off one hit on a Sprite can just minutes before your sister’s big wedding, but dadgummit, you’re gonna try.
Cancer - You can finally admit it. David Bryne dancing makes you physically nauseous.
Leo - Making out with a flag doesn’t necessarily mean you love that country, even if it did have your baby.
Virgo - Well, lucky you, you’re apparently the only one in a zillion people who gets utterly and unexpectedly chubby on Ozempic.
Libra - As the spaceship floated over the fire hydrant, you were filled with wonder about how they got the water in that hydrant.
Scorpio - As your blind date is pointing out between hurls, not everyone is a fan of your “natural odors.”
Sagittarius - You will begin to develop gills from sitting too long in the inflatable hot tub.
Capricorn - Your best friend may be a giant brain in a tank, but at least there’s no way he can steal your wife and house this time.
Aquarius - The Pantene Pro-V is really making a difference. Too bad you can’t show anyone your four-inch pubes.
Pisces - You almost fooled them, and you would’ve gotten away with egregious estate fraud, if you weren’t trying to sell a cardboard house.
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